


The Weight of It

by orangyne



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Bonding, Threats of Violence, some cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:22:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26540593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangyne/pseuds/orangyne
Summary: You can’t understand how Toriel and Asgore have the benevolence to treat you like their child when Asriel is right there. Asriel, who compared to you is a saint. Asriel, who is so unconditionally loving and naïve. Asriel, when compared to you makes you look like a demon. Which you can’t exactly refute.Or in other words Chara dealing with accepting they're deserving of what they have.
Relationships: Chara & Asriel Dreemurr
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	The Weight of It

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first work in a really long time, and also my first work on ao3 so if you like it please give it a kudos so I post here more :)

You’re picking at the hangnail on your right ring finger and staring at the ceiling. It’s probably 4 o’ clock in the morning and you can feel sleep pulling at the corners of your eyes but you don’t close them. Not because you’re not tired and not because you don’t want to, but only because you know it won’t matter if you sleep or not.

You’re always tired anyways. 

The hangnail rips off and you can feel blood pooling around your cuticle so you suck on it and roll over to your side. The sheets tangle around your ankles and you try to stick a foot out to cool yourself off but you’ve moved around too much to find an edge. You can see Asriel’s back from here and despite the lights being off you can faintly make out the rise and fall of his breath. Looking at him makes you feel guilty so you roll over again to face the wall. 

The wool of the blanket Toriel knitted you is scratchy and hot and even with a sheet under it you can’t stand the texture. But still, you leave it over top of your body because you don’t want to seem unappreciative of her. So you let yourself sweat under the weight of it and grimace like the miserable child you are. There’s no reason you should be miserable. You have everything you could have ever dreamed of wanting and yet here you are staring at the wall complaining. You’re just as miserable as you were on the surface, but somehow being surrounded by warmth makes it worse. 

You know Toriel tries her best to make you happy and you hate having to disappoint her. She bakes for you, reads to you, makes you presents and yet you still can’t look her in the eye. Asgore and her are always so understanding, they never raise their voice or get angry with you but after everything you’ve done you almost wish that they would. Wish that they would be just as hateful towards you as you act towards them. Wish that they would lash out and hit you, be spiteful and give you what you know you deserve. At least then you would have a reason to be as miserable as you are.

But you know that they would never do something like that. Monsters, unlike humans, have too much empathy. You’re jealous of that.

Even when nothing is wrong, when everything is safe and comforting and good you can’t help but be miserable. You think you must have just been born this way. Unable to experience joy, at least not for long. And you feel so guilty because you can see the way Toriel’s eyes crinkle when you don’t respond to her baking a chocolate cake just for you. Because you know Asgore and Asriel don’t care for chocolate and you’ll put on a smile so that maybe she won’t notice how unappreciative you are but you know she knows. You don’t understand how they don’t hate you yet. You don’t deserve any of their love, and yet they are so caring and attentive and suffocating to the point where you want to shake them. To tell them that they’re wasting their time. No amount of love will fix you, you’ve always been miserable and you always will be. 

You kick against the sheets and internally whine because it’s too hot and you can’t get out and even if you did you’d find another reason to be miserable so why even bother.

Asriel turns on his side and you hear him mumble something in his sleep. You hope you didn’t actually make any noise because if you woke him up you’d feel even worse than you already do.   
.  
.  
.

It’s been about 2 minutes and he hasn’t said anything, so you think he must have just been dreaming. You turn to double check and oh.. looking at his face.. makes the guilt worse. Asriel has been nothing but kind to you and what have you done for him? Made fun of him? Made him cry? And he still has the audacity to call you his best friend, his sibling. It makes your stomach twist in ways you don’t like. You can’t understand how Toriel and Asgore have the benevolence to treat you like their child when Asriel is right there. Asriel, who compared to you is a saint. Asriel, who is so unconditionally loving and naïve. Asriel, when compared to you makes you look like a demon. Which you can’t exactly refute. 

You who can’t help but eat half the fridge without noticing. You who can’t bring themselves to call Toriel mom despite her constantly referring to you as her child. You who chased Asriel through the house and caused him to trip and sprain his ankle. You who used Toriel’s cooking utensils to kill the snails in the garden, causing her to have to buy a whole new set. You who poisoned Asgore.. You’ve been nothing but an inconvenience to this family and you wish they’d throw you out already so you wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of everything you’ve done. 

Even in his sleep his face is so gentle. 

Sometimes, you think it would be easier to kill Asriel. To make him shut up whenever he says he loves you. To strangle his stupid throat and make him realize how awful you really are. To take one of the new kitchen knives from the cupboard and plunge it into his bleeding heart. Give Toriel and Asgore no other choice but to hate you. He’s too good. It’s not fair. He’s too good for this world and you can’t handle it anymore. 

You struggle with the blanket for a moment before throwing it to the floor and sitting up. You can’t be in the same room as him right now. It’s suffocating. You don’t trust yourself. Silently, your bare feet hit the hardwood and you lower yourself onto the floor. You don’t dare take a look at Asriel before you creak the door open and walk out into the hallway. You had to pee anyway. 

The bathroom is just across the hallway from you and Asriel’s room so you don’t bother sticking around for long and slip behind the door, locking it behind you. You walk past the light switch without flipping it and head straight for the toilet. The feeling of the cold tiles against your damp feet is grounding enough for you to not think about murdering your brother. You sit down and do your business, ignoring the ringing in your ears and instead focusing on running your fingers across the cut on your cuticle. After you're finished you stand up and turn to the sink to wash your hands, and even though it’s dark you catch your reflection in the mirror. It makes you retch. Your skin is so pale and your hair is a damp, tangled, matted knot. There are dark circles under your eyes and you’ve never liked your appearance before but seeing the state you’re in brings it crashing unto you just how miserable you must be to be around. The water is still running and you move to turn it off but you can’t and it’s too quiet and it’s too loud and you can’t breathe. Your face starts to heat up and the tile isn’t cold enough to cool you off anymore. You can feel your back slide down the wall and air isn’t making it to your lungs fast enough. Nothing’s wrong. Stop it. Quit being an idiot. 

“Chara..?”

Shit shit shit shit, it’s Asriel. He’s knocking so softly so gently at the door and you want to snap his neck for speaking in that tone. He can’t see you, not like this. How did he even hear you, you know how to be silent during an attack and your hand slides through something slick.. oh. You look beside you and the new tub of fur conditioner is toppled over on it’s side. You must’ve knocked it off the counter without realizing it. You start to scrape up the splatter of conditioner that’s on the floor but he speaks again. 

“Chara are you ok? I heard something fall” 

You struggle to form words with your mouth but eventually muster “I’m fine, I knocked over the conditioner on accident.” You hate the way your voice wavers saying fine, it makes you seem small. It makes you seem weak. It makes you pitiable. “Ok.. can you unlock the door?” He knows you too well. You can hear it in his voice when he knows something’s wrong. Maybe you know him too well too. “Ok.” You pick yourself up and splash some of the still running water on your face hoping that whatever blotchiness, sweat, or tears can be masked then turn off the sink. It was dark anyway. 

You unlock the door and Asriel is just staring at you with worried eyes which makes you hate him even more. But he sees the remaining conditioner on the floor and grabs a rag from the counter to wipe it up. He bends over and scoops up your mess. Stop it. Stop taking care of me. He sets it in the sink and leaves the rest to be cleaned up in the morning. He looks at you with patience, letting you have the first words. He’s too kind, you should kill him for it.   
You start to think that if he heard you, Toriel and Asgore probably did as well and you feel your chest start tightening. You can’t deal with them right now, not when you can barely hold it together in front of Asriel.

“Are they up too?”

“No I don’t think so, Dad was still snoring when I walked past their room.”

Good. It’s bad enough that you woke him up but at least you don’t have to deal with Toriel’s questions. That was one thing you appreciated about Asriel. He never pressed. No matter how sickly sweet he’d look at you, or how often he’d sit through episodes with you, he never asked the questions with answers you couldn’t give. You think he probably knows anyways. 

So you both wordlessly slip out of the bathroom. He closes the door behind you and simply walks back to the bedroom you both share, with you trailing slightly behind. You notice he’s wearing the bunny slippers you got him for Griftmas. It makes your heart tighten in the good way, not enough but it’s something and any hate you pretended you had for him melts away.

You could never hate him. As much as you wanted to, as much as you know you don’t have the right to, you love him. You know you’re not as empty as you say you are because if there’s one thing you know that’s true it’s that you will always love Asriel. You love him so much it’ll be the death of you.

He’s looking at you now because he’s holding the door to your room open and you’ve been staring at his slippers for the past few moments. You enter behind him, this time you shut the door and now you’re both just staring at each other. There’s barely enough light for you to see his face but he’s watching you, checking to see if you’re as fine as you said you were. 

“I just had to pee..” 

“I know.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about, Azzy.”

“I know.” 

“Nothing happened.”

“...”

Tears are stupid. They make you out to be a liar when you’re not. Nothing happened, you shouldn’t be this upset. Everything was perfect, you’re being pathetic. But you can’t help it as you feel the pressure behind your eyes and your throat begins to tighten up. And you know he can see the dam starting to break because he looks at you with so much love. So much adoration and care and his stare is so gentle that it makes you crumble. 

You don’t cry a lot. You never have. Your tears come in short bursts and you can hear the way your breath hitches but you don’t make any noise. He holds you anyways and wraps the blanket Toriel made you around your shoulders. It’s not as heavy as you remember. You rest your chin on his shoulder and he silently rubs circles on your back. The fur on his neck tickles your nose but you can’t bring yourself to move, afraid he’ll let go. You still can’t bring yourself to accept that you’re deserving of this, that you’ve done anything to warrant being blessed by Asriel’s light. Thinking about it makes your face pucker up and for the first time since you fell down you wail. Not loudly, not for very long, but enough to validate that you’re in pain. That you’re not fine and you never have been. That you need help. 

You think you might have scared Asriel because you’ve never let yourself fall this much in front of him. Because when you let out such a pained noise he pulls away, not entirely, just enough to see your face. And he starts frantically wiping your tears and fussing over you, saying that he loves you and that you’re his best friend. 

You don’t know why, but you start laughing. Maybe because the way his brow knits up looks ridiculous, or maybe because he’s trying so desperately to make you stop crying when he’s the reason you started in the first place. But no.. you think, maybe, it’s because you haven’t felt this light in a long time. That maybe you can start to let go of this weight.

“Asriel..?”

He gives you his full attention, his gaze is so intense and focused and.. He’s crying now too. You can’t tell him now, it’s too late and you’re not ready yet. 

“Don’t be such a crybaby.”

The look he gives you is enough to make you actually laugh, it’s a mix of disbelief and relief and betrayal. 

“What!? You were crying first!”

“Nuh uh, prove it!” 

You push him away and he tackles you onto your bed and your chest is filled with life and joy and hope. You’re both snickering now, trying to keep it down before Mom and Dad hear you. It feels nice. You grab Asriel by his just growing horns and push him off of you, forcing him to sit up. You’re both out of breath and smiling, but you’re also painfully aware how late it is. 

“Go to bed before we wake Dad up!”

“...”

He’s looking at you again, but this time his eyes are excited and his lips curl even wider.

“What did you just call him?”

Shit. You feel your cheeks flush.

“Shut! Up! Asriel!” 

You throw your pillow at him and he falls off the bed with a thump. Oops. He scrambles up and dives for his bed, still giggling as he pulls the covers over his head. You both hear one of the adults get up out of bed and soon after the hallway light flickers on. You pull Toriel’s blanket over your head as you smile and try not to laugh as someone walks in. 

“What are you two doing?”

It’s Asgore and you can hear Asriel is the first to break as he snorts underneath his blanket, which causes you to follow suit. You peak your head out and see Asgore standing at the door looking confused and tired. He sighs and walks over to Asriel, pulling down the sheet covering his head then to you.

“Please do try to get some rest, children. It is nearly time to wake up”

You nod your head and he rests his hand atop it, patting it softly then leaving. Presumably to get as much sleep as he could still get. You settle in your bed and adjust the sheets, then turn to look at Asriel once more. He’s already pulled the rest of his blankets over him again and he’s looking at you. You think for a moment he might ask if you’re ok, but then you remember he knows. He won’t ask because he already knows. “Night, Chara.” He says before turning over to face the wall again. You do the same because you think it’d be creepy to stare at his back. “Night, Azzy” 

You don’t think you could tell him right now, that you need help. That your life on the surface haunts you. But you know he’ll be there when you’re ready. That he won’t hate you, that he’ll love and care for you just the same as he did before. They all will. You decide you want to sleep, you have a feeling you won’t be as tired tomorrow as you were today.


End file.
